I’ve been left all alone.
Every breath taken is that of my own, other than the creepy little things that hide in cracks and beneath bed sheets. The air, inside, is teetering between Sauna and touches of Tundra as the heating system obediently obeys its scheduled setting. My eyes peer upon an endless quadratic equation as I try to get it to betray its programming – no dice.
Nevertheless, an idle environment is Jeremy’s playground.
I invent games with cleaning supplies and organize as if trying to simplify the national budget. With music playing, the neighbors below are subjected to onslaughts of belting, squealting, screeching and cracks – vocal exercises at their best. Pulling the shades, I dare not disturb the eyes and, with a rhythm in my step, I patiently await my habitation to be breached – no dice.
I’ve been left all alone tonight.
I trade places between my room and the common areas to make sure that only I can embark upon this wonderland that has been set before me. I plan out the rest of the day on my island, chat for 2 hours about all manners of life and then find myself cozy, upon a couch, watching a show that should not have the impact upon me that it does.
“I can dream again!”
Cheers, that famous early eighties into the nineties sitcom, made me believe a half truth:
“Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name/And they’re always glad you came…”
Of course, when I was at an age where I could understand that theme song, I was a lonely little boy who spent most of his time collecting bees in jars, freezing them and then trying to bring them back to life in my secret laboratory of recreation, which consisted of the microwave. Other than in school, I didn’t have any friends, even though I really wasn’t sure what the meaning of the word meant.
Friends were/are the world around me: the endless flavor of leaves, the plethora of words, the colors that came together when mixed just right, the images only the mind could see. The imagination.
I could entertain myself for hours with nothing more than a mop.
Then I got older and I came to know a definition of friendship, the obligations, the opinions, the tug-o-war of emotions. I just wanted to take someone’s hand and go exploring through the woods, build a sand castle out of dirt, take pictures atop tree stumps with a royalty like essence as if discovering cheesecake. I just wanted to be. And for a while I had it.
Then I joined the real world, the battle ground of the argument, where being right took precedents of decency. If you didn’t believe what they did – fight. If you were of a separate political party – fight. If you slightly veered off the course they drew you in – fight and possible excommunication. If you have your own view that doesn’t match theirs – BLASPHEMY!!!
It just gets too difficult sometimes.
I’ve been left all alone tonight.
Most of my alone time, for the past few years, has been at the hands of escape. Those unnecessary trips you take just to get a bit of peace. Peace that is usually defecated upon as your mind is constantly rehearsing the reasons you needed to escape.
But I’ve been left alone.
I built, explored, sang and dreamed. Yes, I dreamed. I cradled myself upon a couch, blocking out all instances of negativity about a show I have grown to appreciate and I dreamed. It was the most therapeutic experience I have had in ages.
I didn’t need to run, hide, yell or create a fake deafness. No opinions, not political parties, no anything, I just sat and allowed the pictures before me to shape visions in my mind and it was GREAT!
Yes, sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name and they are more than appreciative that you came, but there is more.
Sometimes you just want to go where no one knows who you are, could care less what you do and almost ignore anything about you. No preconceived notions, no highly inaccurate opinions and, most of all, no soul debilitating hindrances.
You can just be, explore and discover so much more about yourself. The rush of inspiration surges you to new heights ad you are not boggled down with expectations of varying kinds. And if you do something completely out of the ordinary, you don’t care, it’s all a piece of the freedom given to not having a long gossip trail that follows you until you are emancipated from prying eyes and overzealous tongues.
I remember that little lonely boy that, now that I think of it, wasn’t so lonely. He had dreams.
I unhinged myself from the door frames of another’s edifice for me. Grabbed that little dreamer within and set him as a guide before me. No longer bound and chained within the cage of mediocrity and judgment
As he looks back at me, wide eyed and scared, I remind him of all he has done and is capable of doing. And when he asks:
“Well, how shall I be?”
I simply nod and whisper to him:
“As you were…”